Thanksgiving blues

So Monday November 19th was my third round of chemo and so far this has been the worst yet.  

I knew that Thanksgiving was going to be difficult because I was having chemo that Monday but I was determined to push through it and give my family Thanksgiving even if I was eating something different.  So with that in mind I did the appropriate grocery shopping the week before and got stocked with the needed items.  

I had planned that I would make the pies on Tuesday (20th) and then the stuffing and sweet potatoes on Wednesday (21st).  Well, it didn't work out that way, Tuesday I was just plain exhausted so I rested and said I'd do it Wednesday.  I did manage to make the pies and stuffing on Wednesday with lots of help from David.  He ripped the bread for the stuffing and while I made the pie crusts, he made the pumpkin pie filling for the first time.  Fred helped after he got home with cutting the onions and celery for the stuffing and I put all the pieces together and we decided to handle the sweet potatoes on Thursday.  Thursday morning after I had a lovely sleep in, we put our plan into action.  Thanksgiving dinner time was good, we talked and laughed and teased each other.  The family assured me that the food was good and they ate it up as usual.  I am thankful for us being together and grateful that they helped me but what is the rest of the story?

.........While I enjoyed having time with my family and there were no arguments but laughter, fun, and love all around; this Thanksgiving was one of the hardest for me.


This was the first Thanksgiving without my dad.  I called my mom and she'd gone to a friends house but I couldn't talk to my dad.  I didn't realize until I wrote this how much I miss him, I am crying right now. Really.  



While I was making various dishes, I had to have others taste them to test the seasonings because my sense of taste and texture is soooo screwed up that I knew I couldn't taste test them because it wouldn't taste right to me at all.  I knew that this would be an issue this week, it always is; but this week has been worse than the previous chemo weeks.  Wednesday night I cried because I knew that very little of Thanksgiving dinner would taste right to me and I wouldn't be very hungry.  At that point I didn't want to cook at all and just give in and go to a restaurant but I have always cringed at the thought of doing that because to me it isn't how you "do" Thanksgiving and typically I don't like how many restaurants "do" Thanksgiving anyway.  I didn't realize how much the flavors of the food of Thanksgiving contributes to the holiday.  I mean I know the feast is the main part of Thanksgiving and having my family with me is Thanksgiving but not having anything taste right on my plate was such a let down.  One of my favorite things is cranberry sauce and it was horrid.  Since the flavors on my plate just were off, I focused on my family.  It wasn't until today that I realized how much of let down the holiday was due to the weird flavor/texture of the food.  

Fred put up most of the outside lights and hasn't fussed at me for not helping but I feel guilty anyway because it always something we do together but I mostly spent the remainder of the weekend sitting down and reading.  I did go out shopping on Friday with a girlfriend but we took it slow and it was dress shopping for both of us.  It was fun for a few hours to do something normal.  I have a company Christmas party to go to and she is going to a military ball.  

I really haven't wanted to be around my family.  I've just wanted to be left alone but a four year old doesn't allow you to do that very long.  This is how I know I am blue right now.  I really don't want to cook anymore either.  It just seems futile right now to cook food/dinner that I am going to have difficulty eating or that just isn't going to taste right but someone has to make dinner so I will continue to do so and eventually during this cycle my taste buds will allow me to eat again although they won't be "normal" until some time after my chemo is finished.   There have been others in my circle who have cooked for me and my family and I am grateful to them for doing that, it has been a great help.

To all those who have me and my family
helped in various ways 

I can deal with the hair loss and the weight loss but the food flavor/texture loss/differences are the hardest for me because I like food!  I know it is temporary but it is difficult nonetheless.  I miss enjoying the flavors of different foods.  I am looking forward to when food tastes "right" again

I still don't feel very good today for other reasons related to the chemo but I'm not gonna go into detail on those because I do balk at TMI that could gross others out.  


I got the results of the follow up ultrasound and the mass is smaller but the doc is going to have me do another MRI to get a more precise idea of how much smaller but at least the chemo is working.  It would stink to go through all this and have it not be affecting the darn thing at all.  

The nurse today when I made the observation that this time around seemed worse than the last 2 times did mention that the side affects of chemo can be cumulative.  I am not looking forward to this getting worse and harder but it seems that it is destined to go that way so at least I am forewarned.  I just wish I could close my eyes and have it all done with, ya know kinda get the benefits but blip past the icky parts.  Ah well, life doesn't work that way.

I am thankful for my family, friends, and community that supports me.  I am thankful for good health insurance that makes my treatment possible without being a massive financial burden upon my family.  I am thankful for my husband who loves me tenderly and is so patient during this time of our lives.  I am thankful to God for providing all of this to me.  All of these resources will get me through this especially God.

Angry

I. AM. ANGRY. AT. CANCER.

There I said it.

Cancer has taken so much from me and my family.

First of all it took my dad.  He was 66 years old,.... 66.  Way to damn early to die.  He suffered through some of the same things I am going through but his suffering was much worse than mine is.  He knew with his diagnosis he was going to die sooner than later.  He held out hope for the treatment to work longer than it did and I am glad it did give me 8 more months for him to live and to settle his affairs to ensure Mom was taken care of but still he is gone. This upcoming Holiday season is going to be hard.  I won't be telling him Happy Thanksgiving or Merry Christmas anymore.  There won't be birthday or anniversary wishes anymore.  Cancer took my Mother's husband, companion, friend, lover. Now, I worry even more about her than I did before when she was dealing with Dad and everything that came with the cancer treatment.  Cancer took my children's grandfather.  My eldest knew him at his best, my middle knew him but not as well. My youngest has seen him 3 times in his life, the first two times he has no memory of him and the third time was when he was ill with cancer.  My dad will forever be in his memory as the grandpa that was sick in Florida and then died.  Eventually his memory of his grandpa will be very fuzzy, my youngest will never really know his grandfather.  Last of my dad is gone, my DAD.  Is it possible to be half an orphan??  I still have a Mom but I no longer have a Dad on this earth.  Yes, I know that one day that I have the hope to see him again when Jesus comes but it still doesn't remove the reality that my dad, who should have had more years to live, is no longer here. There are tears in my eyes as I write this, I want to bawl but right this minute is not a good time.  There never really is a good time for grief.



Cancer has made in necessary for my mom to delay her grief in order to deal with her own cancer story and treatment.  A surgery then a re-admittance to the hospital 12 days later.  Dad wasn't there to support my Mom.  She finally mourned this time, she told me she cried for about 3 days off and on.  This journey hasn't been easy for her.  She also had to make the decision to put her dog down due to his declining health the day after her surgery.  So because of her cancer she didn't have the opportunity to say good bye to her four footed child.  My Mom would love to be able to come visit and help out here but she can't with her health needing to be taken care of.  

Cancer has been in my life for almost a year now.  December 20th, 2011 was when metastatic cancer was suspected in my Dad, Jan 2 2012 was when it was confirmed.  My mom was officially diagnosed the very day my Dad died.  I thought I'd just have to get through Mom's surgery and recovery and I would be done with cancer but it was not to be.  Sept 8th, 2012 is when I found the lump in my breast.  I knew what it was I really did yet I hoped it was something easy, benign or a cyst.  Alas, Sept 20th, 2012 I was officially diagnosed with cancer.  

My own cancer journey has made it difficult to mourn my Dad.  I have had to put many things in my life on hold such as school.  I miss school.  Yes, really. I miss the learning and the chance to learn something new in some classes, I miss the energy I get from it.  I haven't given up on that particular dream but it is just delayed.  I knew I needed to slow down for Kyle's sake to give him time to grow up and so I could spend more time with him but this wasn't the slow down I had in mind.  Even though I am not going to school, my cancer treatment still takes me away from him anyway sometimes it is physically due to my appointments.  Sometimes I am taken away because I don't have the energy to play with him like before.  I can play for a bit but I wear out so easily.  We went to Jump Planet the other day and I went down a slide 3 times and I was worn out where before I could play with him the whole session.  I have dealt with physical changes that continue to occur to me because of the treatment, I have learned I am still me even without my hair, I know without a doubt that I am cared for but golly what a way to go about having that knowledge confirmed.  I resent that my cancer requires treatment that causes me to not be able to care for my family the way I feel I should and have done so in the past.  I know that this time is to take care of myself and I will get back to things eventually but even though the cancer will be gone from my body I will still have cancer worries for the rest of my life.  I can have a recurrence of breast cancer many years down the road and I have to be ever vigilant of skin cancer because my odds of having skin cancer have increased because of my Dad's diagnosis.  I will end up cancer free eventually but I will never be able to shake the specter of cancer in my life, there will always be a nugget of worry in the back of my mind.  I made a comment to someone the other day that it seems that my family and I have seemed to have settled into the cancer groove and the reality of me having cancer and the treatment days and how it affects me yet when I think about it I still feel like a little kid wanting to throw a temper tantrum full of stomping, crying, kicking and screaming, "It's just not fair!"

I will admit there have been some positives to come out of this but I was learning that when I had to go and help my Mom and Dad.  I won't give the credit to cancer but I will give the credit to GOD for providing me with the community around me. So the what are the positives I see you may ask??

• I have become more aware of the depth of caring in the community that I am so blessed to be a part of.
• My husband is exhibiting understanding and caring in depths I haven't seen before.
• I am grateful that even though I have lost my Dad that we were able to repair our relationship back in 2005 and we had the opportunity to live in that repaired relationship for a period of time.
• I have been able to rely on the strength that God taught me so many years ago through another adverse situation and it has not failed me.
• I know that I can cry out to God and lean on Him when I need to purge the tears, fears and other scary feelings; sometime the one i don't share with anyone but Him.
• I have friends that I can rely on and ask for help even though I feel uncomfortable with doing so because I don't want to inconvenience them yet they tell me it is ok and hug me while doing so.

I am sure that I will see more as I get further away from this time and as I also move further into this time but I know from previous experience that you see the blessings more clearly after the difficult time is over and you have moved away from it.  I do wonder what God is going to do with me after this time is over or is He going to add it to something that I am already doing?  Only time will tell. 




I will wait for His voice in my ear and I pray that I hear and heed what direction He wants me to take or incorporate what I will learn through this journey into my life or calling.  You see, I know that God doesn't want me to hurt or be sick yet I know He will use this time for my good and possibly for the good of others.    I will admit to wondering why is it that some people seem to go through life with few difficult situations while others seem to have many difficult situations in their lives.  

I am still angry at cancer and it may take time to purge the anger but I have a God who understands and listens as well as friends and family that also understand or at least listen and let me vent which I heartily thank God for.