I had planned that I would make the pies on Tuesday (20th) and then the stuffing and sweet potatoes on Wednesday (21st). Well, it didn't work out that way, Tuesday I was just plain exhausted so I rested and said I'd do it Wednesday. I did manage to make the pies and stuffing on Wednesday with lots of help from David. He ripped the bread for the stuffing and while I made the pie crusts, he made the pumpkin pie filling for the first time. Fred helped after he got home with cutting the onions and celery for the stuffing and I put all the pieces together and we decided to handle the sweet potatoes on Thursday. Thursday morning after I had a lovely sleep in, we put our plan into action. Thanksgiving dinner time was good, we talked and laughed and teased each other. The family assured me that the food was good and they ate it up as usual. I am thankful for us being together and grateful that they helped me but what is the rest of the story?
.........While I enjoyed having time with my family and there were no arguments but laughter, fun, and love all around; this Thanksgiving was one of the hardest for me.
This was the first Thanksgiving without my dad. I called my mom and she'd gone to a friends house but I couldn't talk to my dad. I didn't realize until I wrote this how much I miss him, I am crying right now. Really.
While I was making various dishes, I had to have others taste them to test the seasonings because my sense of taste and texture is soooo screwed up that I knew I couldn't taste test them because it wouldn't taste right to me at all. I knew that this would be an issue this week, it always is; but this week has been worse than the previous chemo weeks. Wednesday night I cried because I knew that very little of Thanksgiving dinner would taste right to me and I wouldn't be very hungry. At that point I didn't want to cook at all and just give in and go to a restaurant but I have always cringed at the thought of doing that because to me it isn't how you "do" Thanksgiving and typically I don't like how many restaurants "do" Thanksgiving anyway. I didn't realize how much the flavors of the food of Thanksgiving contributes to the holiday. I mean I know the feast is the main part of Thanksgiving and having my family with me is Thanksgiving but not having anything taste right on my plate was such a let down. One of my favorite things is cranberry sauce and it was horrid. Since the flavors on my plate just were off, I focused on my family. It wasn't until today that I realized how much of let down the holiday was due to the weird flavor/texture of the food.
Fred put up most of the outside lights and hasn't fussed at me for not helping but I feel guilty anyway because it always something we do together but I mostly spent the remainder of the weekend sitting down and reading. I did go out shopping on Friday with a girlfriend but we took it slow and it was dress shopping for both of us. It was fun for a few hours to do something normal. I have a company Christmas party to go to and she is going to a military ball.
I really haven't wanted to be around my family. I've just wanted to be left alone but a four year old doesn't allow you to do that very long. This is how I know I am blue right now. I really don't want to cook anymore either. It just seems futile right now to cook food/dinner that I am going to have difficulty eating or that just isn't going to taste right but someone has to make dinner so I will continue to do so and eventually during this cycle my taste buds will allow me to eat again although they won't be "normal" until some time after my chemo is finished. There have been others in my circle who have cooked for me and my family and I am grateful to them for doing that, it has been a great help.
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| To all those who have me and my family helped in various ways |
I can deal with the hair loss and the weight loss but the food flavor/texture loss/differences are the hardest for me because I like food! I know it is temporary but it is difficult nonetheless. I miss enjoying the flavors of different foods. I am looking forward to when food tastes "right" again
I still don't feel very good today for other reasons related to the chemo but I'm not gonna go into detail on those because I do balk at TMI that could gross others out. I got the results of the follow up ultrasound and the mass is smaller but the doc is going to have me do another MRI to get a more precise idea of how much smaller but at least the chemo is working. It would stink to go through all this and have it not be affecting the darn thing at all.
The nurse today when I made the observation that this time around seemed worse than the last 2 times did mention that the side affects of chemo can be cumulative. I am not looking forward to this getting worse and harder but it seems that it is destined to go that way so at least I am forewarned. I just wish I could close my eyes and have it all done with, ya know kinda get the benefits but blip past the icky parts. Ah well, life doesn't work that way.
I am thankful for my family, friends, and community that supports me. I am thankful for good health insurance that makes my treatment possible without being a massive financial burden upon my family. I am thankful for my husband who loves me tenderly and is so patient during this time of our lives. I am thankful to God for providing all of this to me. All of these resources will get me through this especially God.
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