Intimacy or - what they didn't tell me

No, there are no lurid details or TMI here just some truths about this process that would have been nice to know in the beginning.  I took an informal poll about this subject and based on the ladies responses (thank you ladies!) I was encouraged to write this post....so here goes:

When you are first diagnosed with cancer and a treatment path has been decided upon,  everything is a blur combined with a whirlwind.  Information overload.  When I started chemo the doctor went through the side effect list and many were what I expected to hear -hair loss, nausea, vomiting, weight loss, change in taste, - and some I didn't - neuropathy, enlarged heart, early menopause...

What?! wait.....back up the phone - menopause?!  Yep.  Men-o-pause.  Now on the upside I'd get that pesky looming "change of life" dealt with and be able to stop counting the days between the months and stop worrying whether it is a safe week or not to wear light colored/white pants or skirt. Yet as my mind giggled in glee of that thought; the more rational side of me started sweeping together all the negatives of menopause.  Irregular periods, hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, increased or decreased libido etc  OK, I told myself, I can handle this cause I've already been dealing with some pretty bad stuff lately and menopause is minor in comparison   So with that thought in mind I moved on and dealt with it or actually am dealing with it. Yet those thoughts don't compare with the reality of it all.  

I have some pretty wicked hot flashes, some so bad that I can feel the sweat popping out of the pores on my head.  Mood swings? Yep - I make Oscar the Grouch look sweet.  Period - nope haven't seen that since November. ;-) I am dealing with all these things decently (ish) but the one that has really been hard is the decrease in libido. 

Well, decrease is putting it mildly.  It crashed so hard that it didn't just end up in the basement, it went through the basement floor and into the bedrock below. Now a smidgen of TMI here, before all this happened my hubby and I enjoyed a healthy, active love life.  Chemo and menopause conspired to hijack that right away!

Firstly, chemo is a cumulative process in the body.  First, you are hit by a taxi,

BIF!!

then a bus, then an 18 wheeler, then it drags out the steam roller and crushes you with it.

SMASH!

 You are tired, exhausted and fatigued all rolled up into one.  At the end of the day, after dealing with stuff that just cannot be put off til "later", i.e. after treatment, all you want to do it go to bed and sleep, preferably for the next 48 hours.  Now add the effects of menopause to that. Yep you got the idea - hijacked libido with no ransom note.  

Now ladies, whether we admit it or not, we know our married life and relationship with our sweetie is nicer and sweeter for the sex intimacy we share with our loves.  As I went further into this journey I was noticing the lack of interest on my part and it worried me.  Some typical, hyper me thoughts roamed in my head and then got especially CRAZY when my hubby pointed out that I just didn't seem interested lately.  I let those thoughts roam for about three weeks before I spoke up.  I am glad I did.  You see, he understood that I felt flattened and exhausted and worn out.  He understood that there were days that I didn't really want to be touched beyond a hug, kiss and a cuddle because that was all I could offer and bear sometimes. 



You get touched so much in treatment that sometimes you cannot bear being touched anymore that day. Even though you know the touch of a loved one is completely different from the medical touch.  Sometimes there were days that I had to talk myself into going into the treatment room and allow them to hurt me to heal me. It is still that way some days.

In his understanding he didn't push it but just kept loving me and letting me know in his way that he still loves me.  We did talk and it was good because I expressed some fears I was having and he let me know that we'd get through this and we would adjust and figure it out -TOGETHER.  Sigh - I love that man so much and very deeply.  I am so blessed to have him as my partner, husband, friend, and yes my lover.   

My libido is still being held hostage but we are working around that especially after my hubby shared with me that he really missed just touching and holding me. So we have started with that.  Touching and holding.  I am learning you can have intimacy with your love that is different than the typical marriage intimacy. Don't mistake me though - I miss that type of intimacy where you hope the kids are fast asleep and your in-laws don't decide to call you that night. Yet I know when that comes back and we combine it with this softer, quieter intimacy my libido will never, ever want to leave again.

For better or worse

In sickness and health.

These two phrases are very common in marriage vows unless you write your own and eliminate them.  I wrote our marriage vows, these ideas were included but written differently. They read "I promise to be a Friend who Loves at all times, whether they are full of Peace or strife, illness or health."  This battle with cancer has revealed and taught me a few things about my marriage. 

First, I will share a bit of background for those of you who don't know my full life story.  This is the third time I have been married; the other marriages ended for abuses of different kinds so I entered this marriage with some emotional baggage left over even though I had been through counseling to deal with a smorgasbord of issues.  Even though I was the filer for my two divorces, one of quietest yet largest fears was that my hubby would realize that I was so damaged and full of quirks that he would leave me.  Anytime he was upset with me, way deep down was a scared woman waiting for him to announce that he couldn't stand me anymore and leave me.  Pretty ugly huh?

So how has having breast cancer helped with this?

When I got the call giving me the official diagnosis, he was there holding me when I hung up the phone and cried - on the front porch of our house.  He didn't run and cried with me.

When my hair started to fall out and I got it all cut off.  I hid in a darkened room with a hat on, nervous about his reaction.  He found me. When I showed him and tears ran down my face, he caressed my bald head and whispered, "You are still my beautiful wife".

While in the throes of chemo and really low on energy, he cleaned, heated up food, helped cook, and understood when dinner was "make your own".  He let me sleep as long as possible on the weekends to get rest.  He played with Kyle in the evenings and did the bedtime routine so I could go to bed early.  He slept on the couch for 8 days straight because he had a bad cold and didn't want me to get sick and he is doing it again this week because he is really sick this time.



Surgery week -he stayed home practically all week and worried about me when I wanted to go to MOPs because he was concerned I was pushing to hard. Drove me to appointments.  Grocery shopped, washed clothes, dropped off and picked up kids, tended home and wife.  He was THERE for me.

Through this whole time he has continually told me that he loves me.  He has been there for me every step of the way.  Whenever it was chemo day he always called me to let me know that if I felt to weak, sick or whatever to be able to drive home afterwards all I had to do was call him and he'd leave work and come get me.  Whenever I've had a blue day and just felt like I couldn't do anymore, he held me and listened to me.  If I cried he didn't try to fix it, he just listened and held me.

What didn't he do?? He didn't run, he didn't reject me emotionally yet stay physically, he didn't ignore my needs, he didn't whine about how his needs weren't getting taken care of and most of all he didn't leave me.

I have always known logically that he wouldn't leave me especially since we talked about the reasons for leaving a marriage while we were dating (adultery, abuse, addiction) but that still didn't quiet down the emotional fear that I have.  

We've been through some pretty rough times through our marriage -job loss, moves, separation for a job, Kyle's head injury, his surgery and extended recovery time two summers ago.  This breast cancer thing has been the hardest on us because many of the difficult things we have dealt with have mostly been stuff that has affected us from external sources but this is here-inside me.  

I am no longer am afraid that he is going to leave me, the emotional fear has been laid to rest.  It stinks that it took breast cancer to show me this but I am glad that I have finally gained the emotional confidence that I was lacking in our marriage.

I always knew that God had picked my husband for me and I am so blessed in the man He chose for me.  I am grateful to God that He picked a man who truly is my partner.  I can count on him to stay with me no matter what.  My husband has always been my friend and lover.  Through this battle I have come to love him even deeper than before.