For better or worse

In sickness and health.

These two phrases are very common in marriage vows unless you write your own and eliminate them.  I wrote our marriage vows, these ideas were included but written differently. They read "I promise to be a Friend who Loves at all times, whether they are full of Peace or strife, illness or health."  This battle with cancer has revealed and taught me a few things about my marriage. 

First, I will share a bit of background for those of you who don't know my full life story.  This is the third time I have been married; the other marriages ended for abuses of different kinds so I entered this marriage with some emotional baggage left over even though I had been through counseling to deal with a smorgasbord of issues.  Even though I was the filer for my two divorces, one of quietest yet largest fears was that my hubby would realize that I was so damaged and full of quirks that he would leave me.  Anytime he was upset with me, way deep down was a scared woman waiting for him to announce that he couldn't stand me anymore and leave me.  Pretty ugly huh?

So how has having breast cancer helped with this?

When I got the call giving me the official diagnosis, he was there holding me when I hung up the phone and cried - on the front porch of our house.  He didn't run and cried with me.

When my hair started to fall out and I got it all cut off.  I hid in a darkened room with a hat on, nervous about his reaction.  He found me. When I showed him and tears ran down my face, he caressed my bald head and whispered, "You are still my beautiful wife".

While in the throes of chemo and really low on energy, he cleaned, heated up food, helped cook, and understood when dinner was "make your own".  He let me sleep as long as possible on the weekends to get rest.  He played with Kyle in the evenings and did the bedtime routine so I could go to bed early.  He slept on the couch for 8 days straight because he had a bad cold and didn't want me to get sick and he is doing it again this week because he is really sick this time.



Surgery week -he stayed home practically all week and worried about me when I wanted to go to MOPs because he was concerned I was pushing to hard. Drove me to appointments.  Grocery shopped, washed clothes, dropped off and picked up kids, tended home and wife.  He was THERE for me.

Through this whole time he has continually told me that he loves me.  He has been there for me every step of the way.  Whenever it was chemo day he always called me to let me know that if I felt to weak, sick or whatever to be able to drive home afterwards all I had to do was call him and he'd leave work and come get me.  Whenever I've had a blue day and just felt like I couldn't do anymore, he held me and listened to me.  If I cried he didn't try to fix it, he just listened and held me.

What didn't he do?? He didn't run, he didn't reject me emotionally yet stay physically, he didn't ignore my needs, he didn't whine about how his needs weren't getting taken care of and most of all he didn't leave me.

I have always known logically that he wouldn't leave me especially since we talked about the reasons for leaving a marriage while we were dating (adultery, abuse, addiction) but that still didn't quiet down the emotional fear that I have.  

We've been through some pretty rough times through our marriage -job loss, moves, separation for a job, Kyle's head injury, his surgery and extended recovery time two summers ago.  This breast cancer thing has been the hardest on us because many of the difficult things we have dealt with have mostly been stuff that has affected us from external sources but this is here-inside me.  

I am no longer am afraid that he is going to leave me, the emotional fear has been laid to rest.  It stinks that it took breast cancer to show me this but I am glad that I have finally gained the emotional confidence that I was lacking in our marriage.

I always knew that God had picked my husband for me and I am so blessed in the man He chose for me.  I am grateful to God that He picked a man who truly is my partner.  I can count on him to stay with me no matter what.  My husband has always been my friend and lover.  Through this battle I have come to love him even deeper than before.