Intimacy or - what they didn't tell me

No, there are no lurid details or TMI here just some truths about this process that would have been nice to know in the beginning.  I took an informal poll about this subject and based on the ladies responses (thank you ladies!) I was encouraged to write this post....so here goes:

When you are first diagnosed with cancer and a treatment path has been decided upon,  everything is a blur combined with a whirlwind.  Information overload.  When I started chemo the doctor went through the side effect list and many were what I expected to hear -hair loss, nausea, vomiting, weight loss, change in taste, - and some I didn't - neuropathy, enlarged heart, early menopause...

What?! wait.....back up the phone - menopause?!  Yep.  Men-o-pause.  Now on the upside I'd get that pesky looming "change of life" dealt with and be able to stop counting the days between the months and stop worrying whether it is a safe week or not to wear light colored/white pants or skirt. Yet as my mind giggled in glee of that thought; the more rational side of me started sweeping together all the negatives of menopause.  Irregular periods, hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, increased or decreased libido etc  OK, I told myself, I can handle this cause I've already been dealing with some pretty bad stuff lately and menopause is minor in comparison   So with that thought in mind I moved on and dealt with it or actually am dealing with it. Yet those thoughts don't compare with the reality of it all.  

I have some pretty wicked hot flashes, some so bad that I can feel the sweat popping out of the pores on my head.  Mood swings? Yep - I make Oscar the Grouch look sweet.  Period - nope haven't seen that since November. ;-) I am dealing with all these things decently (ish) but the one that has really been hard is the decrease in libido. 

Well, decrease is putting it mildly.  It crashed so hard that it didn't just end up in the basement, it went through the basement floor and into the bedrock below. Now a smidgen of TMI here, before all this happened my hubby and I enjoyed a healthy, active love life.  Chemo and menopause conspired to hijack that right away!

Firstly, chemo is a cumulative process in the body.  First, you are hit by a taxi,

BIF!!

then a bus, then an 18 wheeler, then it drags out the steam roller and crushes you with it.

SMASH!

 You are tired, exhausted and fatigued all rolled up into one.  At the end of the day, after dealing with stuff that just cannot be put off til "later", i.e. after treatment, all you want to do it go to bed and sleep, preferably for the next 48 hours.  Now add the effects of menopause to that. Yep you got the idea - hijacked libido with no ransom note.  

Now ladies, whether we admit it or not, we know our married life and relationship with our sweetie is nicer and sweeter for the sex intimacy we share with our loves.  As I went further into this journey I was noticing the lack of interest on my part and it worried me.  Some typical, hyper me thoughts roamed in my head and then got especially CRAZY when my hubby pointed out that I just didn't seem interested lately.  I let those thoughts roam for about three weeks before I spoke up.  I am glad I did.  You see, he understood that I felt flattened and exhausted and worn out.  He understood that there were days that I didn't really want to be touched beyond a hug, kiss and a cuddle because that was all I could offer and bear sometimes. 



You get touched so much in treatment that sometimes you cannot bear being touched anymore that day. Even though you know the touch of a loved one is completely different from the medical touch.  Sometimes there were days that I had to talk myself into going into the treatment room and allow them to hurt me to heal me. It is still that way some days.

In his understanding he didn't push it but just kept loving me and letting me know in his way that he still loves me.  We did talk and it was good because I expressed some fears I was having and he let me know that we'd get through this and we would adjust and figure it out -TOGETHER.  Sigh - I love that man so much and very deeply.  I am so blessed to have him as my partner, husband, friend, and yes my lover.   

My libido is still being held hostage but we are working around that especially after my hubby shared with me that he really missed just touching and holding me. So we have started with that.  Touching and holding.  I am learning you can have intimacy with your love that is different than the typical marriage intimacy. Don't mistake me though - I miss that type of intimacy where you hope the kids are fast asleep and your in-laws don't decide to call you that night. Yet I know when that comes back and we combine it with this softer, quieter intimacy my libido will never, ever want to leave again.