Decisions

Sometimes decisions in life are easier when they are made for you by circumstances that you have no control over.

So I had the surgery consult yesterday and so far only my left breast has cancer in it and the right breast is clear and healthy.  Good to hear. I also have recieved the last result information back from the pathologist and I am HER2 positive which is some sort of measure of how fast my cells divide.   Oh here we go my breast cancer book says that HER2 positive cancers tend to be more aggressive than other types of breast cancer and they get treated with antibody therapy (what a time to be an overachiever, sheesh!). HER2 positive basically means we have to discourage any cancer cells in my body from multiplying and long explanation made simple is that I will need treatment of an IV infusion for this part of the cancer that can last 6 months to a year. Yippee.  

Back to the consult - basically I am a candidate for a lumpectomy and the surgeon said that because he has to make sure he takes enough tissue to ensure clear margins that I will have a slightly deformed breast.  The crazy thing is I think I could handle a breast that is gone but after reconstruction looks normal versus a breast that is mine but has a slight (?) concave part in it yet I am not sure.  That is what I meant by sometimes having decisions taken away from you are easier to handle than having options that you didn't expect to have.  I think that when I thought of a lumpectomy, I envisioned the doc going in and taking the lump out  but I didn't take that view far enough in my mind to grasp that they take something out but nothing gets put back in it's place therefore my breast will not look normal and in some weird way this wigs me out more than losing my whole breast.  

Lumpectomy also means radiation for 5-6 weeks every single day except weekends.  I know that once I decide to do something I will stick it out especially this and I do not have to decide tonight, thank goodness!  My surgeon is meeting with the breast cancer board and he will be talking to them about me and we will be meeting on Monday to get feedback from them via him and probably make a decision then.  I know the decision is wholly mine but I also am considering what Fred thinks, how could I not?  Yet, I know I have to be happy and content with whatever decision I make concerning my breast.  What to do? What to do?  Right now I think I will just let the information and feelings I have just simmer in my brain and revisit this saaay Sunday or so.  Sometimes running away from a decision for a short period of time can be a relief but I can't run to far from this one.

Loss

Loss is a funny thing. Most of us expect some kind of loss in our lives and we do experience multiple losses.  Loss of innocence, ignorance; loss of a job; loss of a community (such as when you move); Loss of singleness :-); etc.  There have been many people in my life that have experienced more significant losses such as a death of child, miscarriages, loss of a home, divorce, and many others.  I am dealing with the recent loss of my dad and commented to my Mom that both of us would now have to learn how to live a "new" normal now that he had passed away and that her "new normal" was going to be vastly different than mine as I had only lost my dad but she had lost a husband, lover, companion and friend of 44 years and was now facing life on a daily basis alone.  When all was said and done I was eager to get back home and return to "normal" expecting to drop back into the schedule of school, pathfinders, church and the other activities that composed my "normal" life.  How little did I know that I was going to be facing a NEW "new normal" that was going to have losses within it.  One of the losses I am dealing with now is the loss of going to school myself since with the upcoming treatment we decided that it would be best to put my education on hold.  This is a temporary loss, at least I hope so, but still a loss nonetheless.  

 

I could also be facing the loss of one breast maybe two depending on what is found in the MRI.  While this is a cosmetic loss for me as a woman it is a profound loss in that I would feel less of a woman without a breast or two. Right now with not knowing what has been found with my MRI and not knowing the answers to some questions I have that I will ask tomorrow makes it difficult to grasp this issue.  I know I am preparing myself to loose at least one breast, that way if the cancer is not as bad as I think and I am a candidate for a lumpectomy then well in a weird way that is good news.  There are other losses associated with cancer, some that are temporary and some could be permanent.  Hair, eyebrow, eyelashes -temporary.  Numbness in the arms, lymph-edema, mastectomy, nerve damage, skin damage from radiation - permanent to temporary.  

Sometimes with losses there are gains - a life partner, becoming a parent, memories of a loved one who has died become more precious, etc.  In my case, well I have gained time during each day since I am not in school at the moment, I can do more in my garden, I am spending some "me" time especially when Kyle is in preschool.  I know that my hubby loves me no matter my appearance and just wants me healthy, I know he is sticking with me through this journey.  I have become ever more aware of how many people care for me and are there for me and my family.  i know that Fred and I are not the "perfect couple" but we are together and he is by my side and there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me.

I am a daughter, friend, wife, sister, Mom, Christian, woman, Navy veteran, student, and I will add BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR to the list of who I am.  One day I WILL walk the Susan G Komen 3 day, as soon as I can after this journey and I will do another walk that covers other cancers in general in honor of my mom -for her current journey and for my dad in his honor and memory.

Cancer Journeys

This year started off with the news that my dad had Stage IV Metastatic Melanoma and so I spent the year dealing with that emotional process.  Three weeks ago I dealt with the death of my Dad and the subsequent memorial and internment.  It was at this time that my Mom found out that she has a cancerous mass on the top of her left kidney which will need surgery to remove it.  While I was at my mom's, I inadvertently found a lump in my left breast. A completely random act lead to it's discovery.  Immediately after I got back home I made an appointment with my doctor which has lead to this week.  Monday was a mammogram (my first) and ultrasound which lead to a biopsy on Wednesday and yesterday 9/20/12 I recieved the official diagnosis of breast cancer.  Specifically, invasive ductal carcinoma.  I am scheduled for an MRI on Monday the 24th and a surgical consult on the 26th.  That is about all I know about my specific cancer/case.

Today, emotionally, I am ok.  Yesterday, I cried.  I am hoping that even with this bad news that there is some good news to come.  I am hoping that when they do the surgery whether it is a lumpectomy or a mastectomy that at least my sentinel lymph nodes are clean.  I've never had surgery and it scares me.  I've seen David go through surgery and such but now it is going to be me.  I don't know how I will react to anything physically and emotionally it is a mess inside.  I have found I have moments of tears but then I also have times when I am very matter of fact.  I can and will go through the treatments and I can do this but the is the small scared person inside me that is cowering in a corner with her hands over her ears and saying "nah nah nah" repeatedly to drown out the reality.  

The boys know, I told them yesterday.  Kyle knows also in his own way cause he knows that mommy has a booby boo boo (Fred's Freudian slip :-)).  I think the biggest fear in the back of my mind is that Dad died 8 months after we got the news and even though logically I know that breast cancer is very treatable and many women are survivors, there is still the small part of me that is scared that I am going to die sooner rather than later and that would leave my boys without a Mom.  I have to beat this, I HAVE to get better even though getting better may mean feeling pretty crummy first.  So crummy feelings, pain from surgical recovery and what ever else you are gonna throw my way I will get through it and I will laugh at while I am crying.  I am needed and loved, so forward march! into treatment I go.....

The storm may be fierce and the winds may blow strong but my faith in God and the support of my family and friends will be the life rafts to get me through to the sunshine on the other side.