Decisions

Sometimes decisions in life are easier when they are made for you by circumstances that you have no control over.

So I had the surgery consult yesterday and so far only my left breast has cancer in it and the right breast is clear and healthy.  Good to hear. I also have recieved the last result information back from the pathologist and I am HER2 positive which is some sort of measure of how fast my cells divide.   Oh here we go my breast cancer book says that HER2 positive cancers tend to be more aggressive than other types of breast cancer and they get treated with antibody therapy (what a time to be an overachiever, sheesh!). HER2 positive basically means we have to discourage any cancer cells in my body from multiplying and long explanation made simple is that I will need treatment of an IV infusion for this part of the cancer that can last 6 months to a year. Yippee.  

Back to the consult - basically I am a candidate for a lumpectomy and the surgeon said that because he has to make sure he takes enough tissue to ensure clear margins that I will have a slightly deformed breast.  The crazy thing is I think I could handle a breast that is gone but after reconstruction looks normal versus a breast that is mine but has a slight (?) concave part in it yet I am not sure.  That is what I meant by sometimes having decisions taken away from you are easier to handle than having options that you didn't expect to have.  I think that when I thought of a lumpectomy, I envisioned the doc going in and taking the lump out  but I didn't take that view far enough in my mind to grasp that they take something out but nothing gets put back in it's place therefore my breast will not look normal and in some weird way this wigs me out more than losing my whole breast.  

Lumpectomy also means radiation for 5-6 weeks every single day except weekends.  I know that once I decide to do something I will stick it out especially this and I do not have to decide tonight, thank goodness!  My surgeon is meeting with the breast cancer board and he will be talking to them about me and we will be meeting on Monday to get feedback from them via him and probably make a decision then.  I know the decision is wholly mine but I also am considering what Fred thinks, how could I not?  Yet, I know I have to be happy and content with whatever decision I make concerning my breast.  What to do? What to do?  Right now I think I will just let the information and feelings I have just simmer in my brain and revisit this saaay Sunday or so.  Sometimes running away from a decision for a short period of time can be a relief but I can't run to far from this one.