Loss

Loss is a funny thing. Most of us expect some kind of loss in our lives and we do experience multiple losses.  Loss of innocence, ignorance; loss of a job; loss of a community (such as when you move); Loss of singleness :-); etc.  There have been many people in my life that have experienced more significant losses such as a death of child, miscarriages, loss of a home, divorce, and many others.  I am dealing with the recent loss of my dad and commented to my Mom that both of us would now have to learn how to live a "new" normal now that he had passed away and that her "new normal" was going to be vastly different than mine as I had only lost my dad but she had lost a husband, lover, companion and friend of 44 years and was now facing life on a daily basis alone.  When all was said and done I was eager to get back home and return to "normal" expecting to drop back into the schedule of school, pathfinders, church and the other activities that composed my "normal" life.  How little did I know that I was going to be facing a NEW "new normal" that was going to have losses within it.  One of the losses I am dealing with now is the loss of going to school myself since with the upcoming treatment we decided that it would be best to put my education on hold.  This is a temporary loss, at least I hope so, but still a loss nonetheless.  

 

I could also be facing the loss of one breast maybe two depending on what is found in the MRI.  While this is a cosmetic loss for me as a woman it is a profound loss in that I would feel less of a woman without a breast or two. Right now with not knowing what has been found with my MRI and not knowing the answers to some questions I have that I will ask tomorrow makes it difficult to grasp this issue.  I know I am preparing myself to loose at least one breast, that way if the cancer is not as bad as I think and I am a candidate for a lumpectomy then well in a weird way that is good news.  There are other losses associated with cancer, some that are temporary and some could be permanent.  Hair, eyebrow, eyelashes -temporary.  Numbness in the arms, lymph-edema, mastectomy, nerve damage, skin damage from radiation - permanent to temporary.  

Sometimes with losses there are gains - a life partner, becoming a parent, memories of a loved one who has died become more precious, etc.  In my case, well I have gained time during each day since I am not in school at the moment, I can do more in my garden, I am spending some "me" time especially when Kyle is in preschool.  I know that my hubby loves me no matter my appearance and just wants me healthy, I know he is sticking with me through this journey.  I have become ever more aware of how many people care for me and are there for me and my family.  i know that Fred and I are not the "perfect couple" but we are together and he is by my side and there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me.

I am a daughter, friend, wife, sister, Mom, Christian, woman, Navy veteran, student, and I will add BREAST CANCER SURVIVOR to the list of who I am.  One day I WILL walk the Susan G Komen 3 day, as soon as I can after this journey and I will do another walk that covers other cancers in general in honor of my mom -for her current journey and for my dad in his honor and memory.