Cancer Journeys

This year started off with the news that my dad had Stage IV Metastatic Melanoma and so I spent the year dealing with that emotional process.  Three weeks ago I dealt with the death of my Dad and the subsequent memorial and internment.  It was at this time that my Mom found out that she has a cancerous mass on the top of her left kidney which will need surgery to remove it.  While I was at my mom's, I inadvertently found a lump in my left breast. A completely random act lead to it's discovery.  Immediately after I got back home I made an appointment with my doctor which has lead to this week.  Monday was a mammogram (my first) and ultrasound which lead to a biopsy on Wednesday and yesterday 9/20/12 I recieved the official diagnosis of breast cancer.  Specifically, invasive ductal carcinoma.  I am scheduled for an MRI on Monday the 24th and a surgical consult on the 26th.  That is about all I know about my specific cancer/case.

Today, emotionally, I am ok.  Yesterday, I cried.  I am hoping that even with this bad news that there is some good news to come.  I am hoping that when they do the surgery whether it is a lumpectomy or a mastectomy that at least my sentinel lymph nodes are clean.  I've never had surgery and it scares me.  I've seen David go through surgery and such but now it is going to be me.  I don't know how I will react to anything physically and emotionally it is a mess inside.  I have found I have moments of tears but then I also have times when I am very matter of fact.  I can and will go through the treatments and I can do this but the is the small scared person inside me that is cowering in a corner with her hands over her ears and saying "nah nah nah" repeatedly to drown out the reality.  

The boys know, I told them yesterday.  Kyle knows also in his own way cause he knows that mommy has a booby boo boo (Fred's Freudian slip :-)).  I think the biggest fear in the back of my mind is that Dad died 8 months after we got the news and even though logically I know that breast cancer is very treatable and many women are survivors, there is still the small part of me that is scared that I am going to die sooner rather than later and that would leave my boys without a Mom.  I have to beat this, I HAVE to get better even though getting better may mean feeling pretty crummy first.  So crummy feelings, pain from surgical recovery and what ever else you are gonna throw my way I will get through it and I will laugh at while I am crying.  I am needed and loved, so forward march! into treatment I go.....

The storm may be fierce and the winds may blow strong but my faith in God and the support of my family and friends will be the life rafts to get me through to the sunshine on the other side.