Devotion

I had the privilege of doing the devotion today at my MOPs group so I decided to share it here for those moms who couldn't' make it and just because it needs to be shared...I think.  Today was the last day for our MOPs meeting for this year.  This very special group of ladies have been a huge emotional support for me as I have been going through my cancer treatment and I thank God for this group.  For those who were there, it will be a bit different in places because of the impromptu stuff that jumped in my brain as I was speaking today.  Please enjoy.

Every journey starts with the first step and this year we have journeyed with each other, our families, our spouses, our children.  Mops has carried us through the journey of Self, Family, Community and God.   Jesus was not a stranger to journeying.  He traveled from place to place always on the move yet he knew his ultimate destination.  In reflecting on His journeys to me possibly the hardest journey He took was also the shortest.  The amount of steps He took from his place of prayer in the garden to the hands of the soldiers.  He had just prayed for the cup to be taken from Him but in the same prayer He submitted Himself to the will of God.  Knowing that He was facing His darkest days on earth, He took that first step into the most arduous journey know to man and heaven.  Since January 2012 I also have traveled a journey that started with a small step forward with many beseeching prayers to God but always trusting in Him.  Somehow I knew that my dad didn't have very much time left  - I attribute that sense to God giving me that knowledge.  My family and are were blessed with being able to see my dad in June and other family members.  Last June is a bittersweet memory of fun family time and increased knowledge of my dad's worsening health.  In August I journeyed again to care for my dad in the last two weeks of his life.  Then my own journey with cancer began.  As we have traveled together this year let me share with you what I have learned and have seen.

Self:

            There was a talk on self care and it hit home.  Cancer treatment is rough physically and mentally.  I had to learn to let go of things or at least let others help me do things even though it wasn't the way I would do it.  As long as it got done, that is what mattered.  I had to learn to take care of me and do what was needed to make it through each step of my treatment.  I have seen other moms in our group realize that it is ok to do something nice for themselves even something as simple as taking a shower without interruption or as difficult as needing other medical interventions for health so we can be better moms, wives, friends.  Jesus took time for himself when he left the disciples and crowds to spend time with His Father. 

Family:

            I have come to understand more fully the blessings God has given me through my children and especially my husband.  There was a fear in me that just recently was obliterated because it took my illness to show me the depth of love and fidelity my husband has for me. I also have seen us become a family, we have rejoiced in the abundance of babies being born and mommies announcing more little people on their way.  We have sorrowed together over deaths, prayed over the various illnesses and hurts that have come among us, Cheered the accomplishments of busy moms doing more than just "mommy stuff".  We have been there for each other for all the little, medium and big stuff in each other's lives. 

Community:

            We are a community along with being a family.  The dictionary defines community as a unified body of individuals. We are unified.  United by motherhood and by membership in MOPs.  A community each of us has chosen to belong to.  For me given that I have no immediate family in the area, everyone of you have been a support during my personal journey whether through thoughts, prayers, meals, hugs, cards, child care, a smile and so on.  I have seen us as a community reach out and help those in our group through joyful times (BABIES!!!!) and hard times.  Sometimes the help is short- an invitation to a playdate to give another worn out mom a break or long - taking meals to a family with a sick child or sick mom.  Some of us are graduating and no matter where you go, you are always be part of this community and family.  God intends us to fellowship together and I love our fellowship.

GOD:

            He brought me here as he has brought many of you here.  He is in everything, He is with us in EVERY step of ANY journey we undertake whether we choose it or it chooses us.  So as we go forth into summer and beyond, whether we return to MOPs in the fall or we move to the next journey in the new stages of mommy hood with our kids remember what GOD has promised us:

Joshua 1:5New International Version (NIV)⁵ No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

His promises are true and when we go through rough times we know we can lean on him because He is strong enough to carry us AND our burdens.  He is also with us in joyous and normal times.  I thank Him for being there always and I especially thank Him for bringing me here to a place where love, friendship, and fellowship abounds.  Have a great summer and see you at the Park!

Intimacy or - what they didn't tell me

No, there are no lurid details or TMI here just some truths about this process that would have been nice to know in the beginning.  I took an informal poll about this subject and based on the ladies responses (thank you ladies!) I was encouraged to write this post....so here goes:

When you are first diagnosed with cancer and a treatment path has been decided upon,  everything is a blur combined with a whirlwind.  Information overload.  When I started chemo the doctor went through the side effect list and many were what I expected to hear -hair loss, nausea, vomiting, weight loss, change in taste, - and some I didn't - neuropathy, enlarged heart, early menopause...

What?! wait.....back up the phone - menopause?!  Yep.  Men-o-pause.  Now on the upside I'd get that pesky looming "change of life" dealt with and be able to stop counting the days between the months and stop worrying whether it is a safe week or not to wear light colored/white pants or skirt. Yet as my mind giggled in glee of that thought; the more rational side of me started sweeping together all the negatives of menopause.  Irregular periods, hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, increased or decreased libido etc  OK, I told myself, I can handle this cause I've already been dealing with some pretty bad stuff lately and menopause is minor in comparison   So with that thought in mind I moved on and dealt with it or actually am dealing with it. Yet those thoughts don't compare with the reality of it all.  

I have some pretty wicked hot flashes, some so bad that I can feel the sweat popping out of the pores on my head.  Mood swings? Yep - I make Oscar the Grouch look sweet.  Period - nope haven't seen that since November. ;-) I am dealing with all these things decently (ish) but the one that has really been hard is the decrease in libido. 

Well, decrease is putting it mildly.  It crashed so hard that it didn't just end up in the basement, it went through the basement floor and into the bedrock below. Now a smidgen of TMI here, before all this happened my hubby and I enjoyed a healthy, active love life.  Chemo and menopause conspired to hijack that right away!

Firstly, chemo is a cumulative process in the body.  First, you are hit by a taxi,

BIF!!

then a bus, then an 18 wheeler, then it drags out the steam roller and crushes you with it.

SMASH!

 You are tired, exhausted and fatigued all rolled up into one.  At the end of the day, after dealing with stuff that just cannot be put off til "later", i.e. after treatment, all you want to do it go to bed and sleep, preferably for the next 48 hours.  Now add the effects of menopause to that. Yep you got the idea - hijacked libido with no ransom note.  

Now ladies, whether we admit it or not, we know our married life and relationship with our sweetie is nicer and sweeter for the sex intimacy we share with our loves.  As I went further into this journey I was noticing the lack of interest on my part and it worried me.  Some typical, hyper me thoughts roamed in my head and then got especially CRAZY when my hubby pointed out that I just didn't seem interested lately.  I let those thoughts roam for about three weeks before I spoke up.  I am glad I did.  You see, he understood that I felt flattened and exhausted and worn out.  He understood that there were days that I didn't really want to be touched beyond a hug, kiss and a cuddle because that was all I could offer and bear sometimes. 



You get touched so much in treatment that sometimes you cannot bear being touched anymore that day. Even though you know the touch of a loved one is completely different from the medical touch.  Sometimes there were days that I had to talk myself into going into the treatment room and allow them to hurt me to heal me. It is still that way some days.

In his understanding he didn't push it but just kept loving me and letting me know in his way that he still loves me.  We did talk and it was good because I expressed some fears I was having and he let me know that we'd get through this and we would adjust and figure it out -TOGETHER.  Sigh - I love that man so much and very deeply.  I am so blessed to have him as my partner, husband, friend, and yes my lover.   

My libido is still being held hostage but we are working around that especially after my hubby shared with me that he really missed just touching and holding me. So we have started with that.  Touching and holding.  I am learning you can have intimacy with your love that is different than the typical marriage intimacy. Don't mistake me though - I miss that type of intimacy where you hope the kids are fast asleep and your in-laws don't decide to call you that night. Yet I know when that comes back and we combine it with this softer, quieter intimacy my libido will never, ever want to leave again.

For better or worse

In sickness and health.

These two phrases are very common in marriage vows unless you write your own and eliminate them.  I wrote our marriage vows, these ideas were included but written differently. They read "I promise to be a Friend who Loves at all times, whether they are full of Peace or strife, illness or health."  This battle with cancer has revealed and taught me a few things about my marriage. 

First, I will share a bit of background for those of you who don't know my full life story.  This is the third time I have been married; the other marriages ended for abuses of different kinds so I entered this marriage with some emotional baggage left over even though I had been through counseling to deal with a smorgasbord of issues.  Even though I was the filer for my two divorces, one of quietest yet largest fears was that my hubby would realize that I was so damaged and full of quirks that he would leave me.  Anytime he was upset with me, way deep down was a scared woman waiting for him to announce that he couldn't stand me anymore and leave me.  Pretty ugly huh?

So how has having breast cancer helped with this?

When I got the call giving me the official diagnosis, he was there holding me when I hung up the phone and cried - on the front porch of our house.  He didn't run and cried with me.

When my hair started to fall out and I got it all cut off.  I hid in a darkened room with a hat on, nervous about his reaction.  He found me. When I showed him and tears ran down my face, he caressed my bald head and whispered, "You are still my beautiful wife".

While in the throes of chemo and really low on energy, he cleaned, heated up food, helped cook, and understood when dinner was "make your own".  He let me sleep as long as possible on the weekends to get rest.  He played with Kyle in the evenings and did the bedtime routine so I could go to bed early.  He slept on the couch for 8 days straight because he had a bad cold and didn't want me to get sick and he is doing it again this week because he is really sick this time.



Surgery week -he stayed home practically all week and worried about me when I wanted to go to MOPs because he was concerned I was pushing to hard. Drove me to appointments.  Grocery shopped, washed clothes, dropped off and picked up kids, tended home and wife.  He was THERE for me.

Through this whole time he has continually told me that he loves me.  He has been there for me every step of the way.  Whenever it was chemo day he always called me to let me know that if I felt to weak, sick or whatever to be able to drive home afterwards all I had to do was call him and he'd leave work and come get me.  Whenever I've had a blue day and just felt like I couldn't do anymore, he held me and listened to me.  If I cried he didn't try to fix it, he just listened and held me.

What didn't he do?? He didn't run, he didn't reject me emotionally yet stay physically, he didn't ignore my needs, he didn't whine about how his needs weren't getting taken care of and most of all he didn't leave me.

I have always known logically that he wouldn't leave me especially since we talked about the reasons for leaving a marriage while we were dating (adultery, abuse, addiction) but that still didn't quiet down the emotional fear that I have.  

We've been through some pretty rough times through our marriage -job loss, moves, separation for a job, Kyle's head injury, his surgery and extended recovery time two summers ago.  This breast cancer thing has been the hardest on us because many of the difficult things we have dealt with have mostly been stuff that has affected us from external sources but this is here-inside me.  

I am no longer am afraid that he is going to leave me, the emotional fear has been laid to rest.  It stinks that it took breast cancer to show me this but I am glad that I have finally gained the emotional confidence that I was lacking in our marriage.

I always knew that God had picked my husband for me and I am so blessed in the man He chose for me.  I am grateful to God that He picked a man who truly is my partner.  I can count on him to stay with me no matter what.  My husband has always been my friend and lover.  Through this battle I have come to love him even deeper than before.

Surgery DONE!

Yes it is 4 in the morning but that is what happens when you wake up and your stomach reminds you that in the past 24 hrs you haven't had much food! Vanilla yogurt, bananas, and strawberries - YUM!!

I checked in at 750 am in the morning and they did some unpleasant stuff to me that took until 930 am but it was all necessary prep for the surgery - of course.  My surgery was scheduled for 1230 so I had some time to kill, thank goodness I brought a book and had my Hunny to talk to!  So we talked about our plans for the garden area which was a natural subject due to the fact we went to the Flower and Garden show just days before.

The nurse came in at 1200 and go my IV in and such, then 5 minutes later let me know that my Doc was involved in an emergency surgery and would not be here for another hour - so more waiting....

He was done and walking in my door at 1400 - oh umm 2 pm.  I teased him about being late for our "date".  They took me back at 3 pm and the surgery was done at 415 pm. Apparently I slept a lot in recovery because I woke up around 6 ish or so, I'm not entirely sure.  The nurses kept my hubby updated telling him that I was ok just sleeping! We finally got home around 8 ish.  

Dr. Jurich got good and clear margins and only had to take 1 lymph node for the lymph node biopsy.  The cancer HAD NOT spread into my lymph nodes!!  Very good news.

I am on a good pain meds, my Hunny is home for a week with the exception of a hour or two here and there for necessary meetings at work.  I am relieved that this is done and I have completed another step in my treatment plan.  Now to just rest and recover.

Thank you to everyone for all your prayers, well-wishes and support.  

Round 5 and an update

Round 5 of chemo is gone and done, the after affects have calmed down so I feel "normal" and now I am facing down Round 6.  My. last. round. of. chemo.  

My doc gave a additional anti-nausea med this last round that is longer lasting and it worked so I didn't have any nausea or vomiting episodes, thank goodness!  It was still rough and for about a week I practically had no energy for anything.  Each time I've had chemo it takes me longer and longer to "recover" and feel more like myself.  This time it took about a week and 3/4 to have a day where I felt good.  


The hard thing about this round was not being able to eat.  Initially, I wasn't very hungry so ok no big deal except I knew I needed to eat to keep my strength up but it was very difficult eating.  It felt like I had a road block in my throat decreasing the size of my throat making it very difficult to swallow.  This was sort of ok until my appetite came back yet I still couldn't eat.  GRRRRRR.  So there I am hungry, tummy growling so loud it can be heard across the room and barely able to swallow.  I ended up eating butterscotch pudding and my protein drinks and tomato soup.  Food that I didn't need to chew and ones that could slide down easy and get past the roadblock.  Finally, last Thursday, the roadblock got removed and I could eat!  Yea!!!!  I will be stocking up on pudding and jello this week in preparation of the next round.

I do not know how difficult this last round is going to be but I know it isn't going to be fun but it is my LAST one. I hope and pray that I NEVER, EVER have to go through Chemo again.  E.V.E.R.  Would it be ok to sing a break up song to my chemo??  If I had to choose one it would be the song by Taylor Swift -"We Are Never Ever Getting Back together"  so yeah here is my break up song to Chemo. 

So on January 22, 2013-chemo I am officially breaking up with you and I never, EVER want to see you again.

I had a decent Christmas - actually it was a good Christmas.  My mom was here for three weeks and it was fun to have her here.  She got sick with Pneumonia the first week but she recovered and the rest of the visit went well. Mom decided that she was ready for a transformation so we went shopping for new clothes - lots of fun!!  It was a tiring day for both of us but well worth it.  She also snagged a whole bunch of Bare Mineral makeup and cut and colored her hair during subsequent days of her visit.  All of a sudden my mom looks like I remember her looking.  I like it.  I am glad she is finally taking interest in herself and being nice to herself.

Of course Christmas is why I haven't posted in quite some time and the fact that Round 5 knocked me down for about a week.

So what is next for me, you might be asking.  Surgery.  Yep, the doc will remove what remains of the mass.  February 25th is the day. After my recovery time then I will begin my radiation series that will last 5-6 weeks.  After THAT I will just being having infusions of Herceptin every 3 weeks until I finish out the year of treatment, I will also start my regime of daily estrogen blocking medication for about 10 years.  Of course I will have mammograms on a regular basis and I must get into a habit of Breast Self Exams.

The biggest worry I have during the upcoming weeks is how tired is radiation going to make me, will I be able to keep the house clean and feed my family? I know that during the time before my surgery I am going to stock up my freezer again, not that it is empty, but it has been nice to pull something out when I haven't had the energy to really cook and it will help during that time of initial recovery.

I am contemplating going back to school for Spring quarter but only taking 2 online classes which will be easier to manage energy wise and schedule wise with all the medical stuff happening.  I spoke to one of the oncology nurse's who has had breast cancer and with that conversation I am more confident that I can do it even undergoing radiation.  I have missed school quite a lot.   I know that am looking forward to this summer when things will be a bit more "normal" as far as my schedule and my health.  I suppose going back to school is a step in that direction. 

I am so very grateful for all the support and well wishes that everyone has sent my way during this time.  I am not done with my treatment but Phase one is coming to an end. Onward to Phase Two......