Energy n stuff

For the past couple of days the energy fairy has been generous to me and the tired bus has been put on detour route that passes me by.  Yesterday I felt....normal.  A strange feeling to have given the recent events that made me the first stop on the tired bus and some days the first bus brought friends to ensure I was wiped out. 

 So what did I do with the extra energy that was given to me?  I made zucchini bread, chocolate chip cookies, dinner, cleaned up dog doo in the backyard and harvested greens from my winter garden for last night's supper.  I was tired by the end of the day but not overly so, just a normal tired that resulted from a normal day filled with normal activities.
 

Today, I still have energy but not as much as yesterday but I did go grocery shopping this morning.  However, I attribute the lessened energy today to the 530am wake up from Kyle needing my help.  My friend, Luisa, has been visiting for the past couple of days and yesterday she was loopy and tired but today she is rocking my kitchen making 3 different dishes for us to freeze plus dinner tonight!  I have also been working on stocking my freezer with dinners so on the days I have no energy to cook I can just defrost and heat up dinner.   

I wonder if this is going to be my pattern through my chemo treatments  2 weeks of feeling like the victim of the tired bus and then a few days before the next chemo treatment I feel normal.  If so then that time frame is truly the time to get caught up on different things that I may have been too tired to accomplish.

There are days I don't feel like eating or I eat very little but my family needs to eat so even though I don't have a lot set aside I feel good that I have at least some set aside.  I am grateful for Luisa coming to help by cooking for us.  She enjoys cooking and I am glad that she is using that joy and skill to help.  Her and her hubby live to far away to help out on a regular basis but I am so grateful and honored that she took time in her rounds of visiting her friend before heading to Afghanistan to include me in that whirlwind of visiting.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by friends who care and help.  Sometimes people who are far away have helped by simply letting me know that they care and that expression of their caring many times is a mood lifter for me when I am blue.

On other news, my hair started falling out on Sunday, just 2-3 strands here and there.  Monday, the amount of hair fall out had increased significantly so I went to my beautician and had her take off the rest of my hair.  I am not completely bald as I still have stubble left but I may go to a barber shop and have them shave off the remainder as the stubble sometimes is somewhat problematic in areas such as getting dressed and such.  So now I am sporting scarves and hats while out in public and at home I go au natural.  I think if the weather was warmer I'd probably go au natural but the head does tend to get a bit cold. 

So now ya'll know what I look like with no hair.  I know it will come back in, I am just hoping that whatever changes happen to my hair that at least it still is red when it grows back in!  I am not sure I'd know how to be anything BUT a redhead!


I had to call the charge nurse of my treatment center the other day to talk to her about some issues I am having with one of the nurses in the treatment center.  This was a difficult thing to do because I really dislike complaining about someone who obviously has quite a few years of training and experience behind them but the issues were a personal dislike of her on my part and additionally the feeling of never wanting this woman to touch me again.  Every time this nurse has touched me I end up bruised - badly. This time I have a good 6+ inch bruise.  Also, this nurse comes across very unprofessional in her demeanor and when I was talking to her about the eating issues I am having she interrupted me and basically told me I was going to have to thus-n-such without fully hearing what I had to say.  I KNOW she has way more experience with administering chemo and caring for chemo patients but that doesn't mean she is an expert on ME!  It was a good talk and I hope this next chemo session will go well (Monday) but I still don't want her to touch me.  


The charge nurse also called in a perscription for Emla cream that should numb the area of my port so that when they access it on Monday it will be less painful.  I don't like IV's or needles but in the realm of my experience of medical pokes, right now the accessing my port hurts worse than either of those.  So if the Emla cream reduces the pain by 1/2 that will be an improvement! 

I suppose that is all from this breast cancer babe for now. Oh! I had asked for prayers for my mom.  She has had her surgery and is back at home and doing well.  She has friends helping her and she has hired an in home nursing company to help her during her recovery time.  She is glad to be home though and have the surgery over with.  Thank you everyone for your prayers on her behalf.

Hijacked

The body that I have is still mine - it moves around as expected and responds to the stimuli generated in my brain.  Yet, there are new sensations that are not normal to me and in many ways frustrating. Let me see if I can explain adequately.

Taste:
     
    Water - doesn't taste "right".  It still is water but doesn't have the same flavor it used to.  I can still drink it if I gulp it down, saving the annoying flavor change for the end. So far I have found that Rain Gatorade, V8 pomegranate/blueberry juice, and soy milk are acceptable liquids that I can drink.

     Mashed potatoes - used to be yummy now they are an example of blandsville in all its wondrous glory.

     Wheat bread - not really a taste issue but more of a stomach/body rejection issue.  Potato bread seems an acceptable substitute.
  
     Cereal - so far all are pretty blah but they are not so blah that I cannot consume them but I definitely eat less of them due to the blah flavor.

     Mac n' Cheese (Kraft box) - ick gross can't even get past the smell of it!  How depressing - a major comfort food DENIED to me! Gonna have to try and see if the homemade stuff will fill the assignment.

     Chicken - this one is strange because fixed some ways it is ok but others it isn't worth it because of the smell or texture it has either in my mouth or when I swallow.

Food is a case by case basis.  Sometime food tastes okish but a bit "flat" but I can still eat the dish. The most frustrating aspect of all this is that I think I want something and then when I taste it, I can't eat it.  Ergh.


Food not only has to pass the smell test but the taste test also.  I really despise throwing food away but with all this sometimes I have no choice, not everyone in the house wants what I have rejected or they have already eaten or they are not home.

Smell - I never know from one day to the next what smell is going to turn my stomach.  I have found that most of Patrick soup's tend to smell awful to me.  Other smells are interesting and mostly related to how food smells. 

Touch - nothing different there except my scalp feels different to me and at times itches like crazy.  Today, it is tingling and itchy at the same time and I have discovered that my hair is beginning to fall out.  Baldness here I come!

My gastrointestinal processes like to run the spectrum of human possibility. (trying to avoid gross TMI here)

Energy - This is a big one.  Morning time seems to be the best for me and I can hold it together until about 2 or 3 pm but then the tired bus hits me head one and a nap is truly desired assuming I can get Kyle settled and occupied long enough so I can have one.  The boys and Molly have been a huge help here.  I find that after cooking dinner I am worn out IF I have enough energy to actually make it.  It is amazing how much energy making dinner uses up!


Insomnia -strikes even when I am tired and usually on a Sunday night -day before infusion.  Hmmm might there be a link here?


Is it any wonder that I feel like my body has been hijacked??!  If the body is sending out memos to inform me of these changes, the postal service has forgotten my address for delivery.  

All these changes are supposed to only last as long as the chemo meds are in my body. So theoretically once the meds are out of my system, all systems/senses should return to normal but sometimes not all the way....and that is a troubling thought.

Eventually all this will go away -I hope- but dealing with it in the meantime can be and many times is very frustrating.  It also has a disheartening effect especially when a multitude of these things occur in one day.  Certain things are always there and so be it but others like to have a party that gets crashed by unexpected guests.  I know I could be having worse things happening side effect wise but this guest list is enough on this body's plate!      

I will get through this because there is really no other positive alternative but this particular hayride really is wild!  I will just hang on to Jesus and grasp the hands of those around me in my support network, near and far.  This reminds me of a scary roller coaster when juuuuuuust before you go over the edge of the hill you take a deep breath and squeeze onto the bar in front of you.  This is like that in many ways and on many days, except this is not a ride you get back in line to ride again.

Monday was another infusion day but just Herceptin this time which is the biological treatment.  They used my port for the first time and because the flesh around it was still tender and swollen - it HURT!!  They have to hold the port with their fingers while they put the needle in.  Using their fingers also helps them locate the edges of the port.  Ideally, they should get the needle in the center of the port but this time because it was still swollen the nurse got the needle in the edge.  This meant she had to re-position the needle but she still didn't get it quite right and called another nurse over to help.  They finally got it in.  Whew!  In the meantime I was squeezing the volunteers hand like the dickens, tapping my feet like crazy and squeaking because I really wanted to holler and I was also leaking tears.  I think that counts as 3 pokes in one which means I had 4 pokes Monday when you add in the lab poke.

I felt like such a baby while this was going on.  In a moment of weakness I whined, "Can't I be at the end of this treatment??", and in that moment I really felt that and in some ways I still do.  I suppose it is part and parcel of this whole process but I am usually such a strong person and I know I will do what it takes to get to end of this process but right now facing getting punctured EVERY SINGLE WEEK sometimes is a bit too much to take. People tell me one day at a time and yes that is a good thing to do because at time when I look at the entirety of what I am facing is it not a surprise that I am cringing from the whole idea? One day at a time is easy to say but very hard to do at times.

On another note we did manage to get our Halloween decorations up and I am glad.  The decorations are a "normal" occurrence around our house each year and even though I was resigned to the possibility that Halloween decorations may not happen this year, down deep I was ready to be resentful of this cancer robbing me of another normal thing in my life. 




On a happy note, we are planning Kyle's fourth birthday party (his first with friends!) and after vacillating about how best handle this, we decided to have a party at the  golden arches. Mainly because they will do all the work because the Monday before is a chemo infusion and I won't have the energy to do all the running around necessary for a birthday party at home.  

 

Here are some pictures of the short haircut.  They aren't the best but it will give ya'll the basic idea.  I am also sharing another photo of the area where the port was placed but please excuse the quality of the pics. I was still recovering from the surgery and the bathroom walls are yellow so they aren't the best background for anyone.

I do have one request to make of all of you.  My mom is having surgery this Thursday for her cancer.  I am praying that the surgery goes well, the surgeons hands are guided by God, that her recovery goes smooth and she heals quickly and that for her this is the end of her physical cancer journey. God has been so good to both of us.  I told her before I left that I wouldn't be able to come back for her surgery because I was going to be in school. Little did I guess the reality.  However, God has provided her with a support network that is generous and deep and I am grateful for those friends of my mom who are going to be helping her during this time.

OUCH!

Ok, the tally for this week is 2 IV's and a surgery!

Yesterdays, surgery "went well" as the doctors like to say and I guess it did since I went to sleep and then woke up with the port in and nothing scary happened.  However, the not so well part is up to me and my body.  I was pretty fuzzy yesterday but that is to be expected.  I was doing ok sleeping or resting but then I reacted badly to the pain meds I brought home, nausea visited and brought his cousin, throw up, along for the ride.  Sigh.  I know probably TMI for some of you but oh well.  So I am pretty weak today since I really haven't eaten since day before yesterday but I am attempting to eat right now by taking very small mouse bites of graham crackers. 
Nibble, nibble, nibble.

I am moving slow today but I am grateful for my family and friends who have rallied behind me in this journey.  My sweet hubby who takes time off work, calls to check in with me to see how I am doing, my boys -Patrick and David who help with various things and of course Kyle who gives great hugs and kisses.  I am blessed with friends who also help such as Molly and Gary who picked Kyle up yesterday from preschool and took him to their house until we were ready to bring him home.  Sharon, my MOPs mentor Mom, who brought over a dinner that my family ate last night and others who send me good thoughts and prayers.  My hairdresser who cried as she cut my hair, even the sympathies of my neighbors when they find out.  Many of you have commented that I am strong and I will get through this because of that strength yet I see myself as not strong.  There are two places I get my strength -God and family and friends that He has surrounded me with.  I thank Him so much for the wealth of friendship and family that surrounds me.

Chemo -Round 1

Chemo infusions involve sitting in a chair, IV in the arm (until I get my port), and time!

So yesterday's chemo treatment wasn't to bad considering that from what the nurse have told me.  I think the worst part of it for me was 1) waiting to see what immediate reactions I would have and 2) the fact the IV in my arm hurt if I moved my arm.  The nurse said redheads and fair skinned people tend to be more sensitive to IV's sometimes.  It was very tender to the touch so I spent 5 hours with a heating pad around my arm and as long as I kept the movement to a minimum it was fine.  

It turns out that I will be getting infusions of Herceptin every week until the chemo portion is done and then the Herceptin will move to every 3 weeks.  Thankfully, the Herceptin is a shorter time of infusion, 30 minutes or so.  

Things I have learned from yesterday:

1. If I want control of TV then I have to pick a chair pair that has no one there or someone who isn't watching TV
2. Not to bring peanuts snacks cause one of the nurses is highly allergic to peanuts
3. I brought enough stuff to do but bringing our portable DVD player is probably good idea cause daytime TV usually blows unless they get good cable channels.  
4. Odds are I will be the youngest in the room recieving medication because yesterday it was all older people.
5. Don't be hesitant to ask for a drink or a snack even though it feels weird to ask for something I am normally capable of doing.  
6. I think bringing my laptop might be a good idea if they have WIFI cause I've got nothing but time while I am there! Facebook game time!! ;-)

I came home had a snack and went to bed for about 2.5 hours. I did start experiencing a dry mouth and a headache last night.  Today I feel tired even though I got decent sleep last night and I am also feeling body weak like I am recovering from a really bad bout of flu. 




 So far no nausea but if it does happen I have meds for that.  


In any case, the anxiety I had is lessened quite a bit but there is still some because I am sure I haven't had time to experience all the side effects I am going to have. So there are some unknowns as of yet.

I am just grateful for the support system that I have been blessed with.  Yesterday, Fred was with me the whole time except to get lunch and Patrick took care of Kyle and did some house stuff.  I also have my friend Molly and others who help out or are on standby.  God is so good in giving me time to build up friends here in Washington who are so willing to offer their help and to have kept in touch with my Arizona friends that even though they can't help physically; they help by sending me good wishes and praying for me and my family.  I don't know what the purpose of all this is but I know that I will learn lots of little things and maybe some big ones.  I know God did not cause the cancer in my body but I know that out of this He will be glorified, and like Joseph, good will come out of this for myself and my family and possibly for others. 

Women of Faith (WOF) Weekend

I always look forward to WOF knowing each time that I attend somewhere either in the music, a speakers presentation, or a drama that God has a message just for me.

First of all, one of the things that made this WOF special is that I got to spend a whole weekend with my girlfriend! Two sisters in Christ and sisters in our hearts together worshiping, praising and learning more about God and Jesus together.  It was so nice to be at "church" with her for two days especially since it has been over two years since we were at church together.

See we had a gorgeous view out the hotel also!
Beautiful ladies and a gorgeous view, what more do ya need?

As always the music from WOF is among my favorites to learn and listen repeatedly.  The second song in the night had me in tears just because of the promises and the comfort that was embedded in the song.  There was also joy in the song, joy that has been hard to grasp lately.  Sheila Walsh was the first speaker and while her messages are always profound and thought provoking there wasn't to much there for me.  CeCe Winans music is where the heart thrust was placed.  She was speaking in between songs and she said that no matter the test results, no matter the diagnosis, no matter what is going on in your life - it ain't over til GOD says it's over. The lyrics are:

So you got a bad report, And it doesn't look good to you

Put a praise on your lips, This is what you gotta do
Speak to your situation without hesitation
God gave me this revelation just for you

[Bridge 1:]
It ain't over (It ain't over)
No matter what you're going through
It ain't over (It ain't over)
God's gonna work it out for you
If you can believe
It ain't over
Trouble don't last always
It ain't over (It ain't over) 2x

So you gave it all you had, And you still came up short
You been faithful through it all, And you answered the call

Keep your eyes on the prize. Don't give up the faith
God has a plan for you. That's why we say

It ain't over (It ain't over)
Weeping may endure for a night
It ain't over (It ain't over)
Joy's gonna come, joy's gonna come
It ain't over
If you just believe in the morning
It ain't over (It ain't over)
It ain't over

[Bridge 2:]
Whose report will you believe? God has spoken
Will you receive
Oh, it ain't over (It ain't over)
It ain't over (It ain't over) 3x

It ain't over (ooooh yeah)
Said it ain't over
Saints hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
If you just believe it ain't over (It ain't over)
It ain't over (It ain't over)

[Bridge 2]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Listen (It ain't over)
Said it ain't over (It ain't over)
Trust me (It ain't over)
I know for myself it ain't over (It ain't over)
Oh it ain't over (It ain't over)
I believe it ain't over (It ain't over)
It's just getting started (It ain't over)
You gotta believe it ain't over (It ain't over)
I believe (I believe He's got better things for me)
I believe (I believe He's got better things for me)
I believe (I believe)
Tell yourself I believe (I believe He's got better things for me)

Oh yes, it ain't over
This is just a test of your faith
(It ain't over)
Won't be like this always, just believe
(It ain't over)
Don't give in, don't give up, you can make it, hold on
(It ain't over)
Cause there's a blessing in your storm

I believe
(I believe He's got better things for me)
Speak to yourself
(I believe He's got better things for me)
Proclaim it
(I believe He's got better things for me)
Shout it out loud
(I believe He's got better things for me)
Yes He does

It ain't over (It ain't over) 4x

Clap your hands (It ain't over)
Cause it ain't over (It ain't over)
Stomp your feet (It ain't over)
Cause it ain't over (It ain't over)
Do your dance (It ain't over)
Cause it ain't over (It ain't over)
You gotta believe it (It ain't over)
Cause it ain't over (It ain't over)
Keep praying (It ain't over)
Cause it ain't over (It ain't over)
Keep hoping (It ain't over)
Cause it ain't over (It ain't over)
God said it (It ain't over)
And it ain't over (It ain't over)
It ain't over (It ain't over)
Yeah yeah yeah (It ain't over)
Ay, ay, ay ohhhh (It ain't over)

(It ain't over) 3x

This song was so right for my situation right now, it acknowledged the pain and the sadness but it also reminded me of my joy in Christ and that He is with me in this part of my life.  I was able to speak to CeCe afterwards, such a beautiful Christ-filled woman.  Even though there were other women behind me waiting to see and speak to her, when I told her how and why that particular song hit my heart, she put down her pen grabbed my hands and prayed with me and for me.  

Her prayer and sincerity touched my heart

Carmen and I walked back to the hotel
talking about the evening and she reminded me that music was how I spoke to God and how that was the way I connect with Him.  She is right. I learn about God from His Word but truly the way I feel His presence and the way I fully worship and praise Him is through music.  So I made the decision that instead of buying books this time I would buy music.  Music to take with me to sustain me through the chemo treatments and what ever else I have to deal with in this journey.

On the second day, Shannon Ethridge (author -Every Woman's Battle) spoke and her message contained some truth and reminder for me but for a different situation.  The next speaker was Angie Smith and she spoke about fear. The fear of going to deep.  she was afraid to go more than ankle deep into the ocean as a child. She also admitted that she was afraid to go to deeply into Christ and was perfectly happy to stay on the shores of faith building sand castles and letting the water lap at her toes until a situation her family had pushed her into the very deep she feared yet in that deep, dark place she saw Christ.  Psalm 139 spoke to her and it did to me as she shared it with us.

⁸ If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, thou art there.

⁹ If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

¹⁰ Even there shall thy hand lead me, And thy right hand shall hold me.

¹¹ If I say, Surely the darkness shall overwhelm me, And the light about me shall be night;

¹² Even the darkness hideth not from thee, But the night shineth as the day: The darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

The point I took away from this was to grab onto the hand of God not the hand of man because He is there with me in my current deep dark place.  It is through Him and His providence that I am richly blessed with friends who care for me and with a wonderful family.  

This weekend at WOF has been exhausting, emotionally draining and uplifting, spiritually affirming and strengthening, fun, joyful, insightful and a blessing.  I knew before we went that I needed and must go before treatment started.  I truly felt it was the first step in my treatment plan and it was because God treated my heart, spirit and soul and gave me an infusion of HIM so I can endure the days before me.  I know that I will get weary yet when I am weary and feel like I can't continue, I know that God will hold me tighter and give me strength to continue.  It is only in Him that I am strong enough. 

SO it begins....

So it is official.  I will be starting chemotherapy on Monday, October 8th.  I will also be starting the therapy for the HER2 protein, this therapy last for a year.  I am still having day surgery on Thursday (10/11)) to put the port-a-cath in.  Side effects of chemo - I will lose my hair, nausea, fatigue, some possible bone density issues. Oh, also early onset menopause.  I suppose I could be happy about no more periods - eventually but I will still have to deal with whatever effects of going through menopause my body decides to give me on top of everything else!!!  Sheesh!  I am debating on what to do about the hair: cut it all off now, or go short then hairless, or let the remainder fall out? I do definitely think before and after pictures are in order. I will have chemo treatments every three weeks and the Dr. says usually 6 treatments but could be a minimum of four. If it is six treatments then that puts me roughly at the end of December before a lumpectomy would be planned.  So it looks like I will probably be taking a full year off from school since there will be radiation treatments after the lumpectomy (5-6 weeks) and they can be fatiguing.  At this point I am not really sure I am processing this.  I find it interesting that sometimes it isn't the big things associated with cancer that gets me emotional but it is the little things such as losing my hair or not being able to go to school or not being able to fully take care of my family. 

OUCHIES!!!!!

Let me make something perfectly clear - I hate needles!!!!! How ironic is it that I get "sick" with something that is treated with lots and lots of needles.  I think I will be glad for the port.  Yesterday, I got two pokes, blood draw (two vials) and a flu shot.  Tomorrow, I have another blood draw to prep for the surgery plus some other tests. Sigh, there are just times that wrapping my head around all that is going to happen during the next year makes my head wobble.  I will be glad when I don't have to keep repeating the "discovery" of my lump to medical professionals but the repetition has honed the story down.  

I am going to Women of Faith tomorrow with a great, awesome girlfriend of mine and we are both looking forward to this so very much.  I always look forward to WOF but this year it is more needed than ever before especially after everything that has happened this August/September.  I don't know what message God has for me in the next two days but I know He always has a message for me during WOF.  In addition to that, I have always been uplifted and re-energized emotionally and spiritually when I go to WOF.  This years theme is "Celebrate what Matters" and I hope that I remember to celebrate fully in the next year and not get bogged down in an emotional morass that sometimes likes to creep up on me.  I've had others tell me that I am positive about my situation but I don't know how much of that is just me accepting the fact I HAVE breast cancer and this is just another thing I have to deal with or putting a brave face on.  I suppose I could wallow in misery in this but ugh that is so not who I am.  I am praying that this weekend that will be spent focusing on God will bolster me through my treatment process.  

Already, I've had people who I either know closely or remotely offer help or just simply prayers and best wishes.  I've also been told by people that either I or my husband know that a woman they know- wife, sister, best friend, themselves; were diagnosed with BC and offer help or information about resources they used during their time of treatment and I am grateful to all.  Looking back on the two years I've lived here I can see that God was slowly building up a network of support for my family and me even though I thought I was not making many friends.  I am ashamed that it took something like this for me to clearly see how many people do care about me.  We may not be best friends but we are friends and they care.  You see when I moved away from Arizona, it was difficult to leave the many friends I had there, and being in a new place where I knew no one was difficult.  I started reaching out through various means but because of my past history of being a military brat I reverted to holding back a part of myself in order to protect myself for the inevitability of moving again and leaving friends behind, yet again. In holding back I failed to recognize that others do care for me and are my friends.  So even before my Women of Faith weekend begins, I Celebrate those who are my friends no matter the kind of friendship we have because my friends and family are worthy of Celebrating because you matter to me. Always. 

Friends help those stand whose strength has fled until they can stand strong again

                                                  

I have only been home from my Dad's for 23 days and the weekends have become my insulator from the week.  Normally, they would have been a break from the week like everyone else.  A break from work, school or whatever else takes place for people on a daily basis during the week.  My week involves doctor's visits and new information and decisions that will affect at least the next year of my life immediately and the rest of my life.  So far the weekends have been time to be in a "normal" routine but soon the treatment of my breast cancer will begin and it will have no respect for the fact that it is a weekend.  There will be physical reminders such as the port I need to have put in place or possibly the hair loss that will happen when I begin chemo or the lack of energy or ....the list is long.  These things will not care that it is the weekend but they will work for me rid my body of what can kill me.  I can accept that but it will still be difficult.  I have a long road ahead of me, my life with this diagnosis has taken an off ramp onto another road that was not foreseen or even planned.  There are things that happen to you in life that you can fit into your life and the direction that it currently is heading towards such as a baby or a job change.  I will grant you that there are other detours that are also as life changing and more painful than breast cancer but I am not on one of those flight plans, I am on this one and already the changes that are occurring in my life are truly unforeseen.  Many I will be able to regain but it is the temporary cessation that causes heartache because if it was not for breast cancer there wouldn't be any changes.

Jesus faced adversity in His life and most especially during His ministry here on earth so I know He understands adversity, the only difference is that He KNEW exactly when adverse things would happen and what the outcome would be.  He also knew that His time was extremely limited before He would be facing death.  I don't know what adversity or struggles I have yet to face but I do know this:  I AM NOT ALONE FOR HE IS WITH ME, ALWAYS.  Jesus relied on time alone with God to bolster Him through His trials and Jesus radiated Peace and I know by relying on Him and staying on His path and following Him that Peace that was available to Jesus is also continually available to me. I am promised Peace in His Word: 

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. - John 14:27

I fully intend to drink in His peace and wallow in it because only with His peace will I be able to endure this trial of health that is before me.

One person's response to me when I told them of my breast cancer was "Keep the faith".  Someone else tried to explain what they may have meant but to me it is still such a strange response to my news and in many ways it was an indicator to me of how little this person really knows me.  Psalm 57:7 describes my heart and mind: My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and give praise.  My faith continues to be strong because I have gone through difficult trials previously and I have survived and made it through only by the grace of God.

I have just returned from the surgeons office and we are embarking on my treatment path.  Next Thursday, Oct 11th, I will be having day surgery to put in my port-a-cath.  I meet with the oncologist this Wednesday and I should hopefully know when I will be starting chemo.  I have decided to do neo-adjuvant treatment first to hopefully shrink the tumor prior to a lumpectomy.  After the lumpectomy will be 5-6 weeks of radiation and then I will be on a couple of different hormone therapies.  It sounds quick but it isn't, this path of treatment can take up to a year or so to accomplish.

Thank you to my friends and family who are praying for me and supporting me and my family in all the little and big ways.  your support, prayers, hugs and comforting words mean so very much to me.  I am eternally grateful for each and everyone of you in my life.